Wedding & Marriage

17 years later: Love is ……

This Moment    +  17 years
This Moment + 17 years…

Public displays of affection are for those incapable of expressing love privately. Without exception my only reaction to having a bouquet of flowers delivered to my office is thinking ‘how will I get that lot home on the bus’ followed by ‘I wonder if it would be inappropriate to just leave them here’.

There was a period of time when my now husband would send me flowers after a fight, not to make up, but just so that I would have to carry them from the bus stop up our 4 flights of stairs. There is nothing quite like floral revenge.

I dread when it rolls around to valentines. After dating my husband for 17 years, a plastic covered rose or a sentimentally challenged card is not my idea of romance. For the first decade it was fine, I treasured cards and presents in a shoe box of memories. But then we moved house for the umpteenth time and I lost the box somewhere on the N3. So now I have 3 real and about 10 replica cards (showing what I think he might have written on the cards, from memory) just in case he ever looks. Or in case I need to prove that what a loving and sentimental wife I am. Although the only time I can think when I would need to prove that would be in a divorce court where some sort of payment was being worked out. So basically I am collecting loving memories from him to me so I can shove them up his ass later. Love isn’t dead, it’s busy collecting Exhibit A for a jury of its peers.

A box of chocolates doesn’t cut it either. This is not wartime Germany. If I want chocolates, I’ll add them to the supermarket shop, and a nice man with a van will deliver them to my door and then leave so I can eat them. No sharing. As Charlie Sheen says you pay the pros to leave.

It’s not that easy in the other direction either. I can’t imagine my husband real wants another aftershave that could melt through metal. Or my other go-to a CD (do they even make them anymore?!).

The last time I offered him :

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue,

Here is a free album, it’s from U2

He came back with

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue,

There is nothing as romantic as a day without you (two)

(he isn’t as good at rhyming as I am, but then I’ve got mad skills)

Now, I can see you thinking that we are veering back towards the divorce court here, but let me put this into context: we have a child.

Really if you are a parent it’s all I have to say on the matter for you to get it, but if you are not let me explain. Since our son was born the one commodity neither of us can procure for ourselves is time alone. Like blood, it cannot be borrowed or stolen, it has to be given. If one of us wants to be alone, the other has to agree to mind our son.

These days nobody seems as privileged to me as someone who causally mentions that they rolled out of bed around 12pm on Saturday and went into town for some breakfast and then to a movie. Forget the Porsche driving twats, or rings the size of tumors, the only status envy I have is for people who haven’t noticed that they spent 10 hours alone this week re-watching West Wing.

The other day my mother gave us both the most generous gift that we can receive right now – she offered to take our son overnight. We went out for dinner to a fancy restaurant at night, for the first time in seven months. This simple act we had taken so much for granted when we were just a two, was so precious to us now. We drank, we laughed, we were reminded that we are still very much in love, and on top of that nobody had to do the night feed. For us at the moment this is a gift beyond compare.

So now, as it rolls around to Valentines, and then into my birthday, and my husband inevitably asks ‘Oh love of my life, oh star that lights my sky, what thing can I bestow upon you as evidence of my eternal love and devotion’ (yup, he really talks like this) I have my answer ready: ‘Time, my sweet, a little bit of time’.

What people don’t tell you about planning a wedding


With the perspective that only time can grant I would like to offer a few observations that are not generally discussed while wedding planning.

  1. How comfortable you become telling loved ones to ‘F’ off

Wedding planning can be a stressful time. As with most major life events, everyone has an opinion on what the wedding should be like and for some reason the most uninformed hold their opinion the strongest. However one positive I really gained from the experience was how comfortable I became with telling my nearest and dearest to just shove it where the sun don’t shine, regardless of what ‘it’ was. As time went on I derived more joy than I really should have from saying it to people. I very quickly learned that the only opinions that mattered were mine and my partners, so I learned to smile, nod, and file the advice in the trash can. This has stood to me well in life following the wedding too.

  1. How everyone has a surprisingly strong opinion on price and priorities

This piece of advice comes from a friend’s experience, but please do not let anyone tell you what you should pay for any part of your wedding. A wedding dress for instance can be a simple white dress from Penneys for e7 or a designer dress costing e100ks, with every other dress being somewhere in between. Much like house prices, the cost of dresses are dictated by what the materials they are made from and the market rate. You deserve a beautiful dress and so long as it is within budget, if you find one that you like (that does not look like it came from Big Fat Gypsy Weddings) then tell everyone else to eff off and buy it for yourself. That goes for everything else as well. Different things are more important to different people. Kate Moss rearranged her whole wedding to get the photographer she wanted – pictures being more important than a date to a professional model. I spent hours on stationary, because I love paper and it was important to me, while a friend spend 20 minutes following the design wizard and ordered everything on Vistaprint, while another got Daintree to do everything from picking the colours to sealing the envelopes. Each to their own.


  1. How some suppliers are under the impression that they will stay in business long term even if they constantly tell clients their requirements are not possible

Laugh at anyone who says you can’t have what you want in your timeframe – time equals money and in such a competitive industry there will always be someone to supply exactly what you want, when you want it, while wearing a smile and offering you champagne as they do. Please bear this in mind when confronted by a supplier that gets the impression that you need them more than they need you.

  1. How sometimes tolerating insulting dress shop assistance is worth it to try on *those* dresses

There are literally hundreds of wedding dress shops out there, but unfortunately a lot of them stock very similar merchandise. If you are looking for something a little bit different, I suggest that you try some of the specialist vintage stores. Even if you do not ultimately want to wear a vintage dress on your big day, these shops can be very inspiring, as they give you an opportunity to try styles which are out of fashion at the moment, but are extremely flattering to your figure. But, be warned, in true vintage stores, everything is designed for the very young bride (it being the fashion in bygone times to marry at 18) so everything is on the small side, and the women who own these shops are usually in dire need of a customer-service course, so be prepared for some old biddy to comment on your thick waist or engorged boobs, while manhandling your body like she is stacking recalcitrant oranges.

  1. How some suppliers forget it’s your wedding that is being planned and not theirs

Once we were engaged my partner and I wandered around wedding venues like two unschooled toddlers, picking up shiny things and generally not having clue what we wanted or why. On our first outing with a hotel wedding coordinator, she asked us what was the theme of our wedding. My partner took a moment and replied quite bluntly ‘I thought wedding was the theme’. In response he received her best withering stare (she must work on that at home with a mirror), then turned to me and suggested that we go home until we were going to take this a little more seriously.

I won’t lie, we went home a little shame faced and dejected, and sat down to concoct some suitable answer to this ridiculous question. We spent several horrifying months trapped in similar situations. At the start of the weekend we would be excited and giddy about planning the wedding, by the end of the weekend we would be huddled on our couch, drinking to forget the horrors “ enter here, cross the petal lined floor, either side of the live swans, not too close because they bite..”, blocking out images of brides unable to move without a swarm of bridesmaids, and people asking What Would Martha Steward Do?

  1. How difficult it can be to find an ready-to-wear dress that is a little off the beaten track

Dress shopping was a real eye-opener for me. When I started I was pretty confident I knew what I wanted and what would suit me. I was horrified by some of the “items” my chief bridesmaid convinced me to try on, in terms of style, quality, price and how big my a*se looked in them, but was then pleasantly surprised by others I thought I would hate (my dream dress turning out to be a diamondee encrusted meringue that could have got us on a reality TV show). In general, however, I felt that most of the dresses I tried on looked the same; floor-length meringues. I had palpitations every time I was shoved into one of them. I felt constrained and claustrophobic. I was helped out of the dressing room by dumpy middle-aged woman, muscles bulging under the weight of the petticoats and boning, and directed to a plinth upon which I was put on show to everyone in the shop, who gathered around and assessed me (not necessarily flatteringly). While they twittered away, I stood looking at my reflection thinking how impractical the dress seemed to me. How would I dance, or sit, or eat, or walk, or use the bathroom? When I voiced these fears aloud everyone in the shop smiled a little knowing, patronizing smile and said “but you look like a princess, dear, you don’t need those other things.” Ermmm …. I think my bladder would disagree! I soon made up my mind that I was having a short dress- even if I have to make it myself from toilet paper (thankfully I found the excellent dressmaker Sarah Foy, so that wasn’t necessary).

Wedding Day Dos and Don’t


Dah, dah, tadah. Dah, dah, tadah….. yup, it is finally here – the day you have been planning for since one sucker got down on one knee and the other eejit said why not? – it’s your wedding day.

You have planned. You have organised. You have quarrelled over the guest list and what is or is not appropriate for wedding transportation. You have sobbed in frustration and threatened to call the whole thing off, only to fall madly back in love twenty minutes later. You have compared four different shades of midnight forest green ribbons to find that just-right colour match. You have crafted until the bandages covering your paper-cuts look like you have third degree burns.

But it’s done. All that angst is in the past, and you are in the present, in your beautiful, sparkling, splenouriferous moment – your wedding day. But before you launch right in like an overexcited toddler into a sweet factory, here are a few tips to keep this love train from turning into a speeding off-the-tracks nightmare.

Let’s start with the Don’ts

1. Don’t get too drunk.

This can happen more easily that you think; a combination of weeks of dieting to squeeze into the dress, a very early start that morning, a champagne breakfast and before you know it your head is spinning and you are telling the same story twice.

It’s a bridal nightmare, as a guest it’s embarrassing to watch and can really effect the mood of the day. So go easy on the champagne over breakfast, try to eat some actual food, and forewarn your bridesmaids to supply plenty of fizzy drinks and water if you look like you are coming to a tipping point.

This rule also applies to the gentlemen; usually the men have to give a speech (rather than the bride’s optional one) be they the groom or the best man. Slurred speech and inappropriate jokes that are hilarious when drunk are less funny when you are watching the wedding video back with your in-laws. So go easy on the Dutch courage.

2. Don’t argue with suppliers.

This is the one day where you really ought to channel your serene inner goddess. Things will go wrong, things will be delayed, there will be hiccups – dispatch a bridesmaid/groomsman/mother to deal with it and you go back to enjoying your party. There is amazing power in a third party saying to a supplier “the bride wants ….. now”: there is less power in a screaming harpy shaking a bouquet aggressively at a supplier while she hitches up the white fufu number in order to chase them. At all times remember this is a day for dignity and serenity. Plus you can always sue them tomorrow.

3. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Despite my wedding being a relatively informal affair, being specifically warned not to do it in writing (our wedding website) and knowing I would be wearing a short white dress, my just-recently-married sister-in-law decided to wear a white dress to my wedding.

Yes, it’s in bad taste, and yes, it caused a lot of negative comments among the guests on the day, and yes, the photographer had to be creative when he did the family pictures as there are only two girls on that side of the family (me and my sister-in-law) and at first glance it was hard to spot the bride as we were both in white.

But actually, on the day, I didn’t care. In my serene champagne filled bubble I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thought she probably only considered herself and the dress rather the occasion to which she was wearing it, and in fairness to her, she does look well in white. Having no power to change the situation (having double checked that there were no handy buckets of red paint on the premise) I accepted it and moved on.

If it still bothers me when I get around to making our photo album I’ll rewrite history and use Photoshop to put her in a muck brown disaster and post it all over Facebook.

And after all that, let’s get to some Do’s

1. Enjoy feeling like a rockstar.

This is the one day where everyone will be standing around in clusters remarking on how beautiful you look, everyone is eager to get you anything that you want or need and there are a band of paparazzi following your every move. This is your Beyonce moment – relish it.

2. Accept that some things will go wrong.

Our first dance was a disaster. My groom had been sick before the wedding so he didn’t have the strength for us to practice the steps enough. On the day he was so tired by the time it came to the First Dance and his legs cramped, while I got distracted by the lights and forgot some of the steps. Disaster. But do you know what, that happens. We laughed at ourselves, we salvaged the situation, and aside from thinking we were yet another couple who can’t dance, I don’t think anyone else noticed.

3. Remember to say hi to all the guests.

People have put in a huge amount of effort to get all dolled-up and be present for your big day, remember to be gracious and thank them in person. Mingle at your reception, and between courses of the meal go to each table and say hi, that way you get to talk to people in bunches rather than finding them all individually.

4. Let your hair down after the meal (metaphorically speaking).

As far as I am concerned once the meal finishes the formalities of the day are complete, it’s time to let loose and party. If you have said hi to everyone already than search out your mates, get someone to pour a nice glass of vino and slip into your dancing shoes. There is nothing more enjoyable that watching a bride/groom having a good ole time (well, with the exception of being the bride having a good ole time).

5. Remember to take some time out to savour the day with your bride/groom.

This is it. This is your big day. It is actually happening. Take just a few minutes to stand together, hold hands, look at each other, look at your party and remember this feeling. This is happiness.


Wedding Rejection Letters

Landing Rejection Letters

One of the saddest things to see seep into a wedding is the shift from a celebration of love between two ordinary but intertwined souls to a wedding that is little more than a status symbol. Instead of a celebration of mutual adoration there is a pompous formality convened with the sole purpose of showing-off the wealth and standing of the couple.  When the boom went bust and flashing the cash was no longer the ‘done’ thing, people moved to other avenues of more subtly illustrating status. It was no longer their nearest and dearest that were the prize invitees, they were just the spectators, instead it became about the celebrity invitee – the Government Minister, who is a dear friend of the family, don’tchaknoow, or the National Sports Hero who turns out to be a distant cousin twice removed of one of the intended, or the girl from the telly who once went to school with the bride’s sister for two years in primary school.

So for our wedding, as we battled over the guest list, refusing to invite anyone we had not seen face-to-face in the last year, no matter how influential or important they were in the wider world (with the exception of my Australian relatives), it tickled our fancy to consider all the truly important and wonderful people in the world who would rather be anywhere else, doing anything else, other than attending our wedding (because what else is a wedding for other than to mock the traditions and attitudes others in your society hold dear).

As we considered the decorations for our reception area, we thought what better centre pieces could there be other than ten rejection letters from the most influential people on the planet. For us it served as a reminder to enjoy the day for what it was – a celebration at the merger of two corporate giants  families.

To relay any concerns that we may actually have written to these people and be on some sort of government watch list ourselves, we did not; these are fictional forgeries of what could have been.

Difficulty   of Project: Super   Easy
Overall   Cost of Project: Price of   printing (so practically free)
Frames   for finished product
(Ikea Nyttja frames – 10 pictures x e3 per frame= e30)
Required   for this project: Google
Microsoft   Paint
Microsoft   Word
Access   to colour printer
A4   Frames
Duration   of project: Few   hours spread over a few weeks

1. To start we selected ten international figures from the world stage that, if we were as influential the Beckhams, we would invite to our wedding.  They were:

  1. The Obamas,
  2. Beyonce & Jay-Z,
  3. Mr Kipling (maker of the exceedingly good biscuits),
  4. Kim Jong Il and his son, Kim Jong Un (because it’s good to get rarely seen celebs at your party, plus he invented the desk – how cool is that!?),
  5. Clowns without Boarders (a real organisation that go to war-torn areas and do clown gags),
  6. Stephen Hawkins (a hero of ours),
  7. Will and Kate (because who knows, it’s not like they would be traveling that far),
  8. Agatha Christy (because I just love her, even though I know her arrival at our wedding would have signalled that zombie were amongst us) and
  9. Vladimir Putin (because it’s always good to have a villain)

2. Then we used their websites and google images to find images we could use to make our interpretation of their headed paper.

3. We wrote the letters we think we would have received from these people, adding funny footnotes, to reward those who really looked at them closely.

1. The Obamas

Dear John & Cathy,

Thank you for your polite invitation, but given the terms of the restraining order, I feel it would be inappropriate for us to join you on your big day.

Hope all goes well for you guys,

Barack Obama – President of USA


Pursuant to federal law all government-produced materials appearing in this letter may not apply to the same value of truth as would normally be expected. The United States Government hold the right to interpret the value of truth by assignment, bequest, or otherwise.

2. Beyonce & Jay-Z,

Dear John & Cathy,

On behalf of Ms Knowles I would like to thank you for your very thoughtful invitation. However given that neither Beyonce nor Jay-Z have ever heard of you, they will not be joining you on your big day. I have enclosed an autographed picture as a consolation.

All the best for the future.

pp Taffy-Y

Sony Music Entertainment, Beyonce Management Team


This is an official letter from the Beyonce Management Team. Any mocking of the letter shall be interpreted as a mocking of Beyonce herself and will not be tolerated. Any views of opinion expresses within this letter do not necessarily represent the views of either the artist, Sony Entertainment, the artist’s Management Team, the person who sent the letter or the post men and women who delivered it. Please have a nice day.

3. Mr Kipling

Dearest John & Cathy,

How did you get this address??

Hoping you have an exceedingly good day,

Mr Kipling

4a. Kim Jong Il

Pathetic Infidels,

Submission of Form 58-74 책에, signalling your desire to have Supreme Leader of North Korea, His Excellency,Kim Jong-il, Party Centre; Superior Person; Dear, Respected, Wise, Brilliant, Unique, Great, Peerless Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have; Commander-in-Chief; Father of the People; Sun of the Communist Future; Shining Star of Paektu Mountain; Guiding Sun Ray; Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces; Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification; Symbol of the Fatherland’s Unification; Fate of the Nation; Beloved Father; Leader of the Party, the country, and the Army; Great Leader of our Party and of our Nation; Beloved and Respected General, and Leader; Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander; Sun of Socialism; Sun of the Nation; The Great Sun of Life; World Leader of The 21st Century; Great Bright Sun of the 21st Century; Amazing politician; Glorious General, who Descended From Heaven; Supreme Leader of the Nation; Bright Sun of Juche; Leader of the Party and the People; Great Marshal; Invincible and Ever-triumphant General; Beloved and Respected Father; Guiding Star of the 21st Century; Great Man, Who Is a Man of Deeds; Great Defender; Savoir; Mastermind of the Revolution; Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradely Love join you on Juche 101, 28th July has been rejected.

Retribution for the insolence shown by your submission shall follow.

Inmin Gun

Korean People’s Army

4b. and his son, Kim Jong Un

Dear Friends,

I have thought of you often since our time in Bern, and your invitation (although much interfered with and I think nibbled by our giant rabbits) drew me back to a carefree time in my life. However since my succession to my rightful place as Supreme Leader of the Universe, I no longer acknowledge the existence of the outside world, or the ghosts which reside therein.

Also, it may be of interest for you to note, that since your invitation to my father was received only days before his death, it has been viewed as a successful attack by the West on the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. I am told plans for suitable retribution are underway.

Wishing you all the best in your married life.

 Kim Jong-un

5. Clowns without Boarders

Dear Sir/Madame,

Your communication was received 23rd June, 2012.

It is government policy not to negotiate with terrorists.

With violent radicals of any flag, there shall be no talks at any level. There is no foolish delusion that an argument can make peace. We do not engage, and we will not engage.

Release the clowns or the circus will have its retribution. Your reception will not be saved from frivolity.

Kind Regards,

President Barnes


Code of the Clown: The objective of this code is to provide a series of written guidelines of ethics for all clowns and artists who collaborate with Clowns Without Borders: The clown or collaborating artist will hold as fundamental objectives to better the situation of children who live in crisis situations of whatever type (conflict, natural disaster, social inequalities, etc.) in whatever part of the world. The main beneficiaries of CWB projects are children living in situations of crisis and the clown or collaborating artist will make no distinction between them for reasons of race, age, religion, culture, social situation or any other categorization when offering his/her work. For clowns and collaborating artists participating in CWB projects, volunteerism is the general rule. In respect to the clown/artist’s public image, he/she will not use the participation in humanitarian activities as a means to promote their professional career, separating clearly at all times such activities and not using his humanitarian work for publicity purposes or to promote his/her professional career, such as it may be.

6. Stephen Hawkins

Dear Sir / Madam,

Unfortunately Professor Hawking is unable to respond to specific scientific enquiries, academic theories, requests for voicemail service, party appearances or nuptial initiations. Please do not email these as although they may be valid, we simply do not have the resources to comment on them.

Kind Regards,

Judith Croasdell
PA to Stephen Hawking CH, CBE, FRS


I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive: we’ve created life in our own image. Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change, although it is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value. It is no good getting furious if you get stuck. What I do is keep thinking about the problem but work on something else. Sometimes it is years before I see the way forward. In the case of information loss and black holes, it was 29 years. The usual approach of science of constructing a mathematical model cannot answer the questions of why there should be a universe for the model to describe. Why does the universe go to all the bother of existing? The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired. I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road. There are grounds for cautious optimism that we may now be near the end of the search for the ultimate laws of nature. To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit. We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.

7. Will and Kate

Dear John & Cathy,

Despite the current campaign to make the House of Windsor appear more human and familiar to peasants such as yourselves, the fact remains that William and Catherine are not your friends, and therefore will not be attending your wedding.

We in the press-office however never turn down a good party – see you there!

pp. Persil Whayenstooth


simply a better class of person

8. Agatha Christy

Your Reference: Inappropriate Invitation

Our Reference: Crackpot Timewasters

Dear Mr Clarke & Ms Gibbons,

The insensitive nature of your invitation is matched only by its audacity.

Don’t save a seat or expect a gift.

Please see invoice for this letter attached.


Jonathan Heartingsberg III

The Estate of Agatha Christy


Well, now dears, a marriage indeed. Yes, now. You see, I knew very well that something was afoot, what with all the fuss and whatnot, but I could not see it clearly what the thing was until the invitation arrived. My suspicions began when Miss Codswad slipped from the pier. I had been there myself earlier and had not found it unsafe, and given the calm seas could not see how it would become so. No. No, what happened was that Mrs Fidleton pushed Miss Codswad from the pier, when the two were out walking, hoping to disguise it in some way when Miss Codswad came from the water. She did not intend to kill her, just to somehow injure her, to prevent her from dancing at the wedding with Mr Flanderspoon, who would then have to ask another, leaving Miss Codswad in the company of Mr Fidleton Jr. Beauty can be as dangerous as wealth, much coveted and often inspiring the most dangerous of all: jealousy, and a mother does not like to see her son so distressed. Unfortunately Mrs Fidleton did not know that Miss Codswad suffered from Roxtoxiphobia, and when she reached the water the fear consumed her and she drowned. In a fit of panic, when Mrs Fidleton realised what was happening she herself jumped from the pier, which is when you happened upon the scene Inspector. Mrs Fidleton was not helping Miss Codswad because she loved her, but rather because she loved herself. Yes. Reminds me of the Brother’s Wife in Saint Mary Meade. Sad sort really. Hum  

9. Vladimir Putin

Dear Mr Clarke & Ms Gibbons,

Given that the date of your union has long been prophesied as being the day hell will freeze over and the world will end, I will be busy putting my affairs in order on that date.

Thank you for the early notification of the impending doom.

Yours Sincerely,

Vladimir Putin

Premier of Russia


All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia. All hail Mother Russia.

Were they a success?

Well we thought they were hilarious, and actually have them displayed in our landing. Some relatives were concerned that we would end up on some sort of watch list even if they were just forgeries. Others just didn’t get it – they didn’t understand why you would want to brag about people not wanting to come to your wedding. Others still talk about them to this day – as being one of the funniest parts of our slightly crazy wedding.

Hustler’s Breakfast In Bed

JR Image

Everyone has been in the situation. It’s a weekend morning. You wake up a little bit earlier than necessary, and very quietly slip out of bed. Without waking anyone else, you steal downstairs, avoiding that one creaky step, into the kitchen. This is your moment.

Whether the person upstairs is a new beau, or a long-time love in need of a romantic gesture, or even (because not all our motivations have to be about sex) a guest you would like to impress, nothing says “You got lucky when you landed here” like a selection of freshly baked croissants and pain au chocolate with just brewed coffee being delivered as breakfast in bed.

Just one tiny snag you think, the reason the object of my affections is not getting a full fry for breakfast is because the last time I tried to do that on my own the neighbours called the fire brigade when they saw the smoke billowing from the kitchen window. I can barely boil an egg let alone produce edible croissants. I can brew the coffee but that’s it, I’ll have to sneak to Tesco’s for the rest.

Well before you venture outside wearing whatever you woke up in, and making the person upstairs think you have abandoned ship, I have the magic solution; JusRol’s Bake-it-fresh.
In Tesco’s this product generally lives somewhere around the baking aisle. It shouldn’t. Bakers don’t need it; they have their own special powers of seduction. It should live beside the ‘I love you’ flowers, the ‘I was thinking of you’ chocolates, or the ‘You lookin’ so fine’ bottles of wine. Brandished effectively it is as much a weapon on the field of war, that is love, as push-up bras and stilettos.

Also unlike flowers and chocolates, which if you stockpile you look like some sort of player or dejected stalker, this item can live an innocuous life in your press for several months, behind the sugar and the pasta, hinting to nobody your ulterior motives, until bam, your moment to strike.

C34. JR 2

The preparation
JusRol tubes are incredibly easy to use, so easy in fact the instructions don’t even have words, just little pictures. You bust open the pack, roll up the pastry and pop in the oven. While you do that, boil the kettle and make the coffee. Done. The whole process takes 20 minutes tops. Then just pop on a tray*, whisk upstairs and be ready for the waves of praise and admiration.
*If the object of your affections is likely to wake up with a hangover add two solphodine and a large glass of water to the tray or else all this will have been all for nothing.

C34. JR 1